Misdiagnosis

Misdiagnosis

I have been called Bipolar and/or borderline since my early twenties and mistreated as such. I have tried every medication and therapy there is to “fix myself” putting my health and well-being at risk of dangerous possible side-effects hoping to escape whatever is wrong with me. This is becuase ASD is not even on the table as a consideration when psychiatrists evaluate adults. ASD, bipolar and borderline, as well as other disorders like OCD, can share traits, however there are also radically different symptoms to that docs should start looking for.

In the twenty years that I have been struggling with this, I was misdiagnosed over and over again, which led to mistreatment and mis-medicating, which led to more maladaptive behaviors, anxiety and meltdowns, which led to further mistreatment. I was stigmatized and ostracized by friends, partners, family; I was wrongfully arrested, hospitalized and doped up several times. All these experiences added trauma onto the pile and affected me profoundly as a human being.

Since I was re-diagnosed Autistic, I have been released from the limitations of bipolar/borderline, which means I can try anti-depressants for the first time. My doctor gave me Lexapro and said give it a few weeks and I slept through it. One day I woke up and felt better and I know it’s artificial but it’s a relief not to feel so bad, and I hope that relief will help me in the long run. Already my stimming behaviors have eased along with the lessening anxiety. I have been able to cope with some serious family problems that have come up. The meltdowns that arise just before my period like clockwork have disappeared. In general, my meltdowns are more under control. I spent twenty years on the wrong meds, treated by doctors who just didn’t pay enough attention. The thought that I could have been on effective anti-depressants this whole time, but for misdiagnosis, is the most painful ache in my heart because I wonder how different my life would have been. That goes for this diagnosis in general.

But we can’t live in the past, right?

Tojisha Kenkyu

Deer Isle, Maine, Today, 2022

There’s a method developed by researchers in Japan called “Tojisha Kenkyu” in which an autistic person is to learn themselves through journaling. Like any kind of journaling, the process empowers one to understand more directly their strengths and weaknesses and how to cope with them. I’ve been doing this since 2021, when I was informally diagnosed, and figuring out a lot of funny things. It’s like wandering through caves of my mind with a candle, illuminating places that were always dark before. It’s uplifting but also extremely sad sometimes. I guess it kind of draws you out in a way, which makes sense, considering that the term “Autism” was originally coined from the Greek word “Autos” which means “being inside”, or, as Oxford puts it, “with reference to a condition in which fantasy dominates over reality.”

I would say that the Oxford definition resonates pretty closely with my experience of life. Nothing inside ever matched up with the outside, and most of the time, I like what’s happening in my mind a lot better than anything else. The journaling has definitely helped me to align things a bit more, and to understand myself enough to attempt to fit in more naturally to my surroundings, especially with people. It’s also helped me to make better decisions for myself and calibrate an “inner compass” which relies less on what others want, more on what I do, think, feel. So, here it is.