Employment — Iris

One of the reasons I have been so transient in my careers…I didn’t even know it until a few years ago. If I had, maybe I’d have found stability a decade ago rather than bouncing from one desperate attempt at being normal to another without any understanding of why I can’t just deal.

It’s also why I loved being a vagabond. Without material things, I don’t need a job to pay for it…

I realized that working terrifies me. Every time I step into a new place I have to navigate it all and act as normal as possible. It’s exhausting and I last maybe 6 mos before I just get totally lost and overwhelmed. But this transience is a vicious cycle because by constantly starting over, I’m exposing myself to the same awful struggle over and over.

I work hard and I’m a good person but I feel more and more that it’s impossible find a company that sees supporting their employees as an important part of healthy workplace culture and reducing turnover. This is worse since covid. So many places are still understaffed and need people who can do everything, so trying to remain singularly focused on one task is frowned upon. Worse, I noticed that I never get a job if I notify them of my ASD, so I hide it as much as I can. In cases where I don’t hide it, there’s always someone ridiculing or doubting me, which brings out even more stress.

I end up worked to death while my small needs for consistency, clear direction and single-tasking are completely ignored or belittled and I find myself flailing to survive.

Bottom line, as much as I love bartending and the money that comes with it, I need to get out of restaurants. I wish I could have capitalized on my photos on the road somehow but I just don’t know how. It’s a great failing of mine that if I don’t have clear directions on everything in life, from basic hygiene as a kid to professional goals as an adukt, I don’t know how. I just feel lost all the time.

Tojisha Kenkyu

Deer Isle, Maine, Today, 2022

There’s a method developed by researchers in Japan called “Tojisha Kenkyu” in which an autistic person is to learn themselves through journaling. Like any kind of journaling, the process empowers one to understand more directly their strengths and weaknesses and how to cope with them. I’ve been doing this since 2021, when I was informally diagnosed, and figuring out a lot of funny things. It’s like wandering through caves of my mind with a candle, illuminating places that were always dark before. It’s uplifting but also extremely sad sometimes. I guess it kind of draws you out in a way, which makes sense, considering that the term “Autism” was originally coined from the Greek word “Autos” which means “being inside”, or, as Oxford puts it, “with reference to a condition in which fantasy dominates over reality.”

I would say that the Oxford definition resonates pretty closely with my experience of life. Nothing inside ever matched up with the outside, and most of the time, I like what’s happening in my mind a lot better than anything else. The journaling has definitely helped me to align things a bit more, and to understand myself enough to attempt to fit in more naturally to my surroundings, especially with people. It’s also helped me to make better decisions for myself and calibrate an “inner compass” which relies less on what others want, more on what I do, think, feel. So, here it is.