Stimulation

Stimulation

“Overstimulation” is a common and funny word to me in all this relearning I’m doing. Im not sure about this word. But its what normal people understand so I use it.
It’s not like I don’t like to feel or experience things. I don’t need to be in an isolation room to be sane. I like my senses. my intense sensitivities are what make my life really cool in ways I never thought about. Music is such an experience, I physically feel it. So loud music doesn’t bother me, which is why I love nightclubs. You just dance and feel the music. Its simple and very pleasant. Even sexual 😋

What happens bad is when everything starts in on me at once and I can’t get away. When I am mentally taxed in social situations, like the job I have now, I have and then all my senses are stimulated. Sight, smell, sound, even touch; from other waitstaff or the pain in my feet, or hot water in the sink.
Last night I got really confused. There was too much happening at once and I couldn’t keep up. I got a traffic jam in my head.
When this happens then i need time to reorganize or I really lost track. but its not normal, so people get frustrated with me and become demanding, which slows down my executive function even more. Things get really loud, I get disoriented and then suddenly everything is super amplified. Every touch is like getting punched, every voice is through a bullhorn, faces look at me all crazy and i feel crazy. People don’t know how to leave each other alone, they start piling it on by following me and trying to solve my problem. Some people want to touch me. But I just want to stop adding and let things calm down. Maybe I want touch, but only from a specific person, who is likely absent.
It’s like having a bad trip. I want to scream and run away or break something, including myself. And sometimes when my will power is ground down, I do one or all of those things. Then i sleep for a long time. When i wake up my mind is quiet again. But I have to face the consequences of the things i broke, the job I lost, the relationship I ruined or the bruises I left on myself.
Knowing this won’t necessarily make it stop. That frustrates me the most.

Tojisha Kenkyu

Deer Isle, Maine, Today, 2022

There’s a method developed by researchers in Japan called “Tojisha Kenkyu” in which an autistic person is to learn themselves through journaling. Like any kind of journaling, the process empowers one to understand more directly their strengths and weaknesses and how to cope with them. I’ve been doing this since 2021, when I was informally diagnosed, and figuring out a lot of funny things. It’s like wandering through caves of my mind with a candle, illuminating places that were always dark before. It’s uplifting but also extremely sad sometimes. I guess it kind of draws you out in a way, which makes sense, considering that the term “Autism” was originally coined from the Greek word “Autos” which means “being inside”, or, as Oxford puts it, “with reference to a condition in which fantasy dominates over reality.”

I would say that the Oxford definition resonates pretty closely with my experience of life. Nothing inside ever matched up with the outside, and most of the time, I like what’s happening in my mind a lot better than anything else. The journaling has definitely helped me to align things a bit more, and to understand myself enough to attempt to fit in more naturally to my surroundings, especially with people. It’s also helped me to make better decisions for myself and calibrate an “inner compass” which relies less on what others want, more on what I do, think, feel. So, here it is.