Masking — Iris

Masking

After many years of doctors, books, bad meds, weird tests, lost jobs, failed degrees, broken bridges, heartbreak, anguish and struggle, I was officially diagnosed as Autistic, explaining many elements to my life and personal experiences that had always been an enigma. At 40, there isn’t much hope for me now to get where I want to be, but it’s nice to finally understand myself, even if no one else does.
I spent most of my life hiding myself and got pretty good at it by my 20s, copying everyone around me, especially after bring called bipolar or borderline and realizing what a stigma those labels carry. I worked many jobs with many people who never knew I was labeled at all or looking for more answers. Went to universities and just tricked most everyone into thinking I was eccentric if I saw they wouldn’t be comfortable confronting mental illness. Here and there I thought I found places I could be more honest but discovered that usually the people who boasted loudly about acceptance and family and community are the worst judges, with the most cruel punishments and I was never safe. Not even in the art world, where I was often told I was too weird or extreme, or it seemed I had nothing to say that wasn’t already said (the pitfalls of mimicry I guess).
Since i was a baby I’m used to not fitting in and being ridiculed. It’s how my whole life has been. I don’t mean to be a victim here, like, literally, I only know instability, mockery and condescension from 99 percent of my life. I was so used to it by adulthood that I accept it from intimate partners, bosses, coworkers and “friends”, mocking and degrading myself or swallowing my opinions. What else can you do?
Well…this thing called masking… a lot of asd peers won’t like me saying this, but, I know there are many who will understand that I find it necessary for survival. I need to work, I need to help my father, I need to hang on to Stonington. I need to survive. What I’ve learned the last 10 years especially is no one cares about anything but their own perspective. Most people are looking for control. Lots of people enjoy cruelty. Unmasking is just offering yourself up for abuse.

Don’t do it.

Tojisha Kenkyu

Deer Isle, Maine, Today, 2022

There’s a method developed by researchers in Japan called “Tojisha Kenkyu” in which an autistic person is to learn themselves through journaling. Like any kind of journaling, the process empowers one to understand more directly their strengths and weaknesses and how to cope with them. I’ve been doing this since 2021, when I was informally diagnosed, and figuring out a lot of funny things. It’s like wandering through caves of my mind with a candle, illuminating places that were always dark before. It’s uplifting but also extremely sad sometimes. I guess it kind of draws you out in a way, which makes sense, considering that the term “Autism” was originally coined from the Greek word “Autos” which means “being inside”, or, as Oxford puts it, “with reference to a condition in which fantasy dominates over reality.”

I would say that the Oxford definition resonates pretty closely with my experience of life. Nothing inside ever matched up with the outside, and most of the time, I like what’s happening in my mind a lot better than anything else. The journaling has definitely helped me to align things a bit more, and to understand myself enough to attempt to fit in more naturally to my surroundings, especially with people. It’s also helped me to make better decisions for myself and calibrate an “inner compass” which relies less on what others want, more on what I do, think, feel. So, here it is.